A Very Different January | 10 Years Later

how to know if you're in an abusive or controlling relationship

We’re well and truly a month into 2017 and at first, I wasn’t sure how to feel about it. A part of me feels like I should have accomplished more going into my 34th year. I suppose that’s frequent and familiar feeling that I am not unique in struggling with if I asked around. It has got me thinking about how different my January of 2007 was. Ten years ago I was suffering silently in a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship. I am breaking my silence to let you all know the warning signs.

Heads up, these stories might be uncomfortable to some, but I am sharing with the notion that it might help someone in an abusive relationship, or help someone spot when their loved one is in one. 

“You’ll get asked why you stayed so long. The misunderstanding that you’re aware of the abuse while it’s happening is a common one.”

January 2007 had me in a miserable state. I was in a relationship that I was aware was unhealthy, with someone I not only didn’t love, but didn’t even like anymore. It didn’t start that way though, as many who’ve been in an unhealthy relationship will tell you. Once you get out, you’ll get asked why you stayed so long. The misunderstanding that you’re aware of the abuse/neglect/manipulation while it’s happening is a common one.

There were warning signs of course, and looking back they are so obvious to me now, but I was young, naive and quite honestly intimidated by the man I was involved with.
There’s your first clue: You should never be intimidated by the person who supposedly loves you.

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“I was already in deep and had tunnel vision when it came to the man I was spending my time adoring.”

I remember when we first started dating he had wanted to keep it a secret from his friends, telling me that he wasn’t sure I would fit in with them intellectually.
There’s your second clue: The person who supposedly loves you would never want to hide your relationship.

By the time I was deemed worthy enough to fill the position of full-time girlfriend it was 9 months later and I was already in deep and had tunnel vision when it came to the man I was spending my time adoring.

This was around the time his ex-girlfriend came to town for a visit. I was told that he was going to invite her over for a BBQ with his buddies and I was not to be there so that I didn’t make her feel uncomfortable. Days later one of his friends let it slip she had stayed the night, and not on the couch either if you catch my drift.
I was crushed and he knew it and used it against me. I was told that I was paranoid (he didn’t realise one of his friends had spilt the beans about his cheating ways). I was told I was, “too young to understand” since it was my first long-term adult relationship.
There’s your third clue: An emotionally abusive person will use something like your age to make you feel inferior.
There’s your fourth clue: A verbally abusive person will attempt to get away with inappropriate behaviour by causing a scene about something you supposedly did to sway the focus.
There’s your fifth clue: A controlling person will project their own paranoias on you to distract you from the hold they’re forming over you.

“Emotionally it was so much worse; I remember feeling completely helpless.”

Let’s fast forward a year and moving in together, and he was now judgemental and critical both privately and publically. Suddenly I was being told I was lazy if I spent my day off doing anything other than cleaning our apartment and grocery shopping. I would be reprimanded like a child if I left crumbs on the counter after making a sandwich; A sandwich that, according to him would, “make me fatter”.
There’s your sixth clue: The person who supposedly loves you should never control your eating.
There’s your seventh clue: A controlling person will isolate you from your friends, because your friends love who you are, and that isn’t who he/she wants you to be.

It also became clear to me around this time that cleanliness and my physical appearance was an obsession of his. He came home one day after work to find I’d gotten my hair dyed back to my natural colour. The next day or two refusing to talk to me because I hadn’t been considerate enough to ask him permission first.
I was also to shower before work, after work and sometimes before bed if he felt I had gotten dirty somehow. As a result of this, I developed horrible eczema on my legs and elbows. I was left with unsightly red scaly rashes that itched so horribly it sometimes kept me up at night. Physically it was agony, but emotionally it was so much worse; I remember feeling completely helpless.
There’s your eighth clue: A controlling and abusive person might never hit you, but they will still manage to physically control your body.

“My friends no longer were inviting me out anymore. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to join them, it was that it was frowned upon.”

 

At about two and a half years in, my friends no longer were inviting me out anymore; They’d given up trying after I constantly declined their offers. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to join them, it was that it was frowned upon. According to him, my friends, “brought out the worst in me” and that his friends should be enough for me. The thing was, I also wasn’t allowed to go out with his friends often. He would go out for so-called “boys nights” only for me to find out the other girlfriends were invited. When I would ask him why he had lied I was told I, “Don’t have anything interesting to add to the group”. I was an embarrassment to him; Someone he “couldn’t be proud to bring home to his parents”.
There’s your ninth clue: An abusive partner will shame you, humiliate you and degrade you to strip you of your independence and keep you submissive.

“I made the mistake of trying to talk to him about how unhappy I was and as one can imagine, it didn’t go well.”

 

It was around this time I met up with one of my old friends for dinner. I remember apologising profusely because I’d spilled my beer; I remember telling my friend I was sorry for embarrassing her. She, of course, thought this was no big deal, and it sparked me to open up to her that night. I confided about my now ex’s cheating ways, and the things he would say and hold over my head. In the past my friends had mentioned that my boyfriend was a “bit of a jerk” but this was the first time someone ever said to me, “you know what you’re talking about is emotional abuse, right?”.
There’s your tenth clue: An abusive person will have you apologising for everything all the time as if you own them something. It’s a way to keep you in line and continue controlling you.

After my moment of clarity, I knew I wanted the relationship to end, but I was completely terrified to leave. I made the mistake of trying to talk to him about how unhappy I was and as one can imagine, it didn’t go well. The next week I was surprised with a ‘vacation’ away (see clue #7). The 9 hour flight away had me feeling isolated and homesick for the first time in my adult life. I was alone, thousands of miles from home with someone I now hated. I snuck down to the sports bar in the hotel lobby and emailed a friend and told him that I was miserable. The relationship was over, but I needed a way out.

Over the next month, I began to think about where I could go, and how I could leave.

One night I knew he’d be out late and was planning on staying at a friend’s. I packed a bag at midnight with necessities and called my mum. I remember saying, “Hi Mum, I’m coming home”. The next day while he was at work my parents and I packed up a truck with anything absolutely worth taking. We drove home that day and the notorious Pacific Northwest rain stopped for a brief 30 minutes.

I felt at peace for the first time in a very long time. The memory still brings tears to my eyes, ten years later.

Surviving A Controlling Relationship and moving on after a bad breakup

“Develop an exit plan.”


I wanted to write my story for anyone out there that feels trapped in an unhealthy spousal relationship. I want you to know that you’re not stupid for being there, and it isn’t your fault. It’s ok that you didn’t see the signs or clues (I didn’t) and you can get out before it inevitably gets worse. If you believe a loved one of yours is stuck in an unhealthy relationship, let them know privately that you’re willing to help when they are ready.

I was lucky that I still lived near my parents at the time and could come home. If you don’t have that fortune try reaching out to a family member, friend or coworker you trust. Develop an exit plan and take your time thinking about the road blocks that might pop up:

  • Speak to your employer about switching direct deposit if you share finances with your spouse.
  • Reach out to your cell phone provider about separating your number from his/her account.
  • Forward your important mail to a friend/family or coworkers address until you have your own.
  • Speak to your doctor about counselling possibilities to help you get through the aftermath of a bad relationship.

There are some great tips in this LiveStrong article and the National Abuse Hotline offers invaluable information and resources.

You might feel worthless, disappointed in yourself or overwhelmed with the prospect of starting over; These feelings are 100% natural, don’t let them deter you. Happiness will come when you take back control of your own life.

In time you will become ‘you’ again. Your once distant friends will rally around you, you’ll be free to meet new people, just like I did. That friend that I reached out to when I was miles from home, homesick and lonely? He became Mr. GirlLovesGloss and today I share my life with a supportive, compassionate all-around good person.

It seems January 2017 has shown me that I’ve come an awfully long way, after all.

Beauty Bay

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Girl Loves Gloss

Jaime Pickering | 30-something, makeup hoarding (I prefer to call it "collecting"), classic rock loving, jeans and t-shirt girl - who just happens to love a little gloss from time to time.
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  • Raine Dawson

    I know how hard this was to share and the strength it took to leave. I’m also beyond happy that you found happiness. I’m crying as I write this, I won’t go into my story it’s too long and complex. I’m out now but not how in a way I would have imagined or wanted. It left me so damaged that all of these years later I’m still a mess. Thank you for this post. I hope it helps others and gives them the strength to get out because as you know, by the time you see it you are in very deep. Hugs and a giant thanks to the amazing man that was there and still is.

  • Thanks for sharing this post, it must have been hard, but I’m sure it will help some people in similar situations. I’m so sorry you had to go through this and so glad your in a better, happier place now.

  • Jamie, this was such a powerful read!

    Thank you for sharing it. Despite all you had gone through, I am so PROUD of you for your strength and courage to get out of it. It saddened me so much to read what you wrote but your piece will have an impact on someone and it’s an incredible that you had the courage to share it!

    I’m so glad you’re in a much better place now 😉

    • Thank you so much Stephanie!
      I had hoped by writing this that it would spread some more awareness on how easy it is to fall down the rabbit hole, so to speak. Albeit sad, thankfully it only took 3 years of my life and in turn gave me uncountable years of strength!

  • Thank you so much for sharing your story, Jamie. Reading this post was really tough for me, but it was an excellent piece — really thoughtful, respectful, and digestible.

    I’m so, so sorry that you had to endure this experience, and I can’t even begin to tell you how proud of you I am for getting out of it. I’m so glad that you’re in a happy, healthy relationship now ❤️

    • Rae, thank you for your kind words about this post! You said exactly what I was aiming for: digestible, respectful and thoughtful. I wanted it to read as a progressive timeline that can easily be followed and breakdown the pattern of abuse and control.
      Thanks again, I really appreciate your comment and taking the time to read. I hope it can reach out to far places and help someone.

  • Thank you for sharing. My sister was in a somewhat abusive marriage and ended that on their one year anniversary. It’s not easy to leave.

  • Wow,
    I’ve seen some emotionally abusive relationships in my life (luckily enough I was never the one in them) and it’s an awful thing to witness. As much as it saddens me reading this post and imagining how painful it must have been, it also makes me feel that heart swelling feeling, because you’re talking about it and trying to help other people. Seeing people trying to make the best of something terrible and reach out is a beautiful thing.
    Thanks for posting this Jaime. I’m glad you’re in a better place now.

    • It’s a terrible thing to witness, but what scares me more is how many people brush it off. I can’t count how many people told me my ex just had a ‘type A personality” and that was why he was the way he was. None of his friends wanted to step in because they were loyal to him, and of course, I didn’t get to see mine much.
      I think that’s why it is so important to talk about it – the warning signs are always there, but they tend to get swept under a rug.

      Thanks for reading Holly, and for your kind words 🙂

      • Wow that’s terrible that people tried to defend him. That seems to happen so often, that people dismiss a woman’s feelings. Good for you for having the strength to break free and to write this story!

  • kate_winford

    Wow, thank you for sharing your story. I am sure this post will help a lot people in similar situations. I am so glad that you are not in that situation anymore.

    Kate

    • Me too! It’s shocking how many people live in relationships like this and it goes both ways.

  • Thank you so much Liz.
    I hope someone can benefit regardless if it makes them more aware, gives them their epiphany moment or helps them save one of their loved ones.

  • I grew up watching my mom in an emotionally abusive relationship. Your article really resonated with me. Thank you for being so honest.

    • Hi Amanda, so sorry you had to witness that growing up 🙁
      I really appreciate you taking the time to post a comment!

  • Tarryn B

    This story gave me goosebumps. Thank you for posting this… There’s a lot of stigma around abusive relationships and the more people talk about it, maybe we can slowly dispel the shame or judgement. I’m glad you were able to move on and find someone lovely and worthy of your love. Strength always x.

    • Thank you so much, I really struggled with this post. I think I sat on it for about 3 weeks, worrying it wouldn’t be well received on a beauty blog even though I believe awareness is the best way to break the stigma.